Imagine a scene from long time ago. You see a gathering of people. You can tell from their clothing and from markings on their weapons that they all belong to the same tribe. You see women huddling together, holding children’s hands, and you see men standing in a separate group with grave expression on their faces. In the middle there is a magnificent figure. You can tell this man is the leader of the tribe. On the ground there is a cowering, trembling, begging man.
The leader raises his hand and says, “Your crimes are severe and so will be your punishment. From now on you are banned from the tribe. Don’t try to approach your wife, she won’t talk to you. Don’t try to talk to your children, they will run away. And if you come too close to our dwellings, we will throw stones at you.”
And you would feel a chill running through every person’s heart. Even though they despise the man for what he has done, they know that this punishment is worse than death. Death is quick. But this man, even if he survives wild beasts and cold and hunger, will inevitably lose his mind and perish.
We don’t know if this is indeed how it went, however, we know from historical records that in many cultures shunning away was the worst punishment.
You may have heard that fear of public speaking is the number one fear, which tramples even death. But is it really?
This may come as a surprise to you, but nobody is afraid of public speaking. Just like nobody is afraid of flying on a plane. Flying by itself is fine. It’s crashing that is so terrifying. Speaking by itself is not that bad. It is failing and making a fool out of yourself that is frightening. “What if they don’t like me?” It’s the underlying, deeply rooted fear of rejection that makes our knees buckle and our heart tremble.
This fear resides in our DNA, in our cells, in our bones.
The paradox of our life is that this fear that is supposed to protect us now prevents us from making connections.
Your mind is a humble servant. Its job is to keep you alive and well. So any time it senses danger, it will do its absolute best to prevent you from engaging in this particular activity. If it’s mean filling your heart with dread, making your knees wobble, restricting your breathing, blocking your speech and making your sweat – then this is what it will do.
So why we may have fear of rejection in the first place? Just think, if you were absolutely sure that you are beautiful, lovable, brilliant in all aspects, and irresistible, would you be afraid? Unfortunately, this is not how most of us see ourselves.
Since I was a child I had a speech impediment – a severe stutter. And if you grow up with stuttering, there are two things that are certain – it is very difficult to develop confidence and it is very easy to end up lonely.
Do you know how two kids on a playground may say, “Hey, what’s your name, let’s play”. It is so easy. However, if your response to this greeting is, “Hhhhhi…….Mmmmmmy…Name is Aaaaaaa….” while your face twitches and contorts, you may quickly end up in a circle of laughing and mocking kids, who make it very clear that they do not want to do anything with you.
Imagine that every time you try to tell a joke, you block on a punch line. Imagine that every time you attempt to tell a cool story, nobody is patient enough to hear it out. Imagine experiencing miserable failures at school when you try to say your name, read out loud or voice your opinion.
Now imagine yourself in the present moment. Imagine that you want to approach another human being and start a conversation. Your mind, a humble servant, does a quick safety check. It swiftly flies in the past, accessing all events that are stored in your memory and which look, sound and feel somewhat similar to the current situation. Oh, no! Here is one very painful failure. And here is another. Oh, look, this one was really bad.
Then your mind runs to the future and tries to model the possible outcome. Well, judging from what it found in the past, it doesn’t bode well. Next thing you know, your heart is filled with dread. Unfortunately, being tense, nervous and fearful is not a good state for making connections. Especially in this culture we love people who are confident, relaxed and overall cool.
For many people fear of rejection is so strong, they don’t even make a move. Regardless of whether they stutter or not, they start limiting their life, creating what is commonly called the comfort zone.
But now imagine what if you could change it? What if you could somehow disconnect your past from your present or lighten up its emotional baggage? What if every time you looked into your past, you could see great lessons, powerful resources and inspiring feelings? And what if every time you looked into your future, you could see yourself succeeding beyond your wildest dreams? What if every time you checked with yourself, you would see yourself as an imperfect, but wonderful and unique individual worthy of people’s love and friendship? How it would change your attitude?
Well, I can tell you from my own experience and from experience of many of my clients. You will feel more relaxed, confident and cool and much less fearful of rejection. Even though it is impossible to completely eliminate this fear, because it is in our DNA, you can stop this fear from paralyzing you. I can also tell you that if you stutter, this change will have a profound positive effect on your speech, just as it had on mine. It can even cure you from fear of public speaking. It can definitely help you end loneliness, because you will get over your fear of approaching people, and when you do approach people, you will present yourself as a more confident, relaxed and charismatic person. You will also be able to have more intelligent conversations, because you won’t be suffering from brain freeze every time you try to talk.
What I found so powerful about NLP and hypnosis is that these modalities allow you to do just that- rewrite your personal history, remove pain triggers, reframe failures as learning experiences and reprogram your brain to see your future in a more positive and empowering way.
The important thing to realize is that you are no longer that child who was bullied in school and who had nobody sitting with him or her at lunch. You are no longer dependent on a particular group of people to provide you with connections and protection. In our time of social media and world travel it is easier than ever to find your perfect tribe – people who will love and respect you regardless of your imperfections. Fear that was once useful, because it ensured your survival, is losing its relevance. You can refuse being defined by your flaws. You can refuse being limited by your limitations. And you definitely can stop dragging your past into your future- you can learn to use your mind differently.
In my life coaching practice, I am not just offering you something gleaned from books or Tony Robbins videos. I am offering you something that transformed my life and lives of many of my clients. I am offering you something that really works.
However, just as with any coaching, it is not something I may do to you. It is something we do together – your personal efforts are very important. If you are determined, courageous and ready to do what it takes, all you need is great tools and a little guidance.
Curious to learn more?
Contact me for your FREE consultation.
© 2015, Anna Margolina. All rights reserved.